Fucking Mormons

Wonkette is disappointed at her pathetically failed attempt at libertarian-baiting. She complains:

We're sort of befuddled that our jab at the prospects for Libertarian sex-for-votes trading didn't generate more indignant email from outraged Reason subscribers. These are people who can get a lively debate going about Schumpeter versus von Mises, but accuse them of not getting any and they're suspiciously silent. Sure, they talk a good free love game, but where are the swinging Chicago school devotees when push comes to, uhm, shove? We're not the only ones wondering. Noting that a special on A&E this week blares that “There may be as many as 50,000 people involved in polygamous relationships in Utah,” a libertarian livejournaler responds, “And you poly Objectivists think you're all kinky and shit! Ha! You guys are being outfucked by MORMONS!”

Now, I'm not about to concede that little Ludwig and I don't see much action, but I can gladly admit to being outfucked by Mormons without losing face. For Ana Marie and her livejournaler seem not to know that Mormonism, if about nothing is else, is about fucking!

kolobsmaller.GIFOur “souls” are “spirit children,” which are the consequence of a good celestial rodgering. The aim of life is to become a god and fuck away the afterlife with one's eternal spouse(s). A sexier theology is hardly imaginable.

According to some randomly Googled website (and I stand behind this account with the full weight of my experience as “Historic Interpreter” at the Joseph Smith Historic Center):

In Mormon theology, there are three levels of heaven, terrestial, tellestial, and celestial. It teaches that almost everyone will make it to the first level, terrestrial, but Mormons seek entrance to celestial heaven, because there they are exalted to godhood. Once a man is exalted to godhood, he and his wife will reproduce offspring for eternity. These spirit children will in turn inhabit physical bodies and have the opportunity to become gods as well. This privilege is reserved for those who go through the sacred marriage ceremony in the Temple and live in obedience to Mormon teachings.

The point is, there is no shame in being outfucked by Mormons. Fucking is what they do!

[Bonus! Click here for the words to “If I Could Hie to Kolob“. Note: Kolob here is NOT a canyon in Utah!]