Fucking Mormons

by Will Wilkinson on July 19, 2004

Wonkette is disappointed at her pathetically failed attempt at libertarian-baiting. She complains:

We’re sort of befuddled that our jab at the prospects for Libertarian sex-for-votes trading didn’t generate more indignant email from outraged Reason subscribers. These are people who can get a lively debate going about Schumpeter versus von Mises, but accuse them of not getting any and they’re suspiciously silent. Sure, they talk a good free love game, but where are the swinging Chicago school devotees when push comes to, uhm, shove? We’re not the only ones wondering. Noting that a special on A&E this week blares that “There may be as many as 50,000 people involved in polygamous relationships in Utah,” a libertarian livejournaler responds, “And you poly Objectivists think you’re all kinky and shit! Ha! You guys are being outfucked by MORMONS!”

Now, I’m not about to concede that little Ludwig and I don’t see much action, but I can gladly admit to being outfucked by Mormons without losing face. For Ana Marie and her livejournaler seem not to know that Mormonism, if about nothing is else, is about fucking!

kolobsmaller.GIFOur “souls” are “spirit children,” which are the consequence of a good celestial rodgering. The aim of life is to become a god and fuck away the afterlife with one’s eternal spouse(s). A sexier theology is hardly imaginable.

According to some randomly Googled website (and I stand behind this account with the full weight of my experience as “Historic Interpreter” at the Joseph Smith Historic Center):

In Mormon theology, there are three levels of heaven, terrestial, tellestial, and celestial. It teaches that almost everyone will make it to the first level, terrestrial, but Mormons seek entrance to celestial heaven, because there they are exalted to godhood. Once a man is exalted to godhood, he and his wife will reproduce offspring for eternity. These spirit children will in turn inhabit physical bodies and have the opportunity to become gods as well. This privilege is reserved for those who go through the sacred marriage ceremony in the Temple and live in obedience to Mormon teachings.

The point is, there is no shame in being outfucked by Mormons. Fucking is what they do!

[Bonus! Click here for the words to "If I Could Hie to Kolob". Note: Kolob here is NOT a canyon in Utah!]

  • Just in case, though, there's always the Ayn Rand School for Tots.
  • PG
    Reminds me of discovering that in Milton's theology, the Garden of Eden was fucking and vegetarianism. I don't know how libertarians feel about the latter, though.

    Also, I didn't realize that Objectivists could be polyamorous (unless they are following Rand's biographical example and not her written injunctions). I thought that if they did what Rand said to do, they would find the Highest and fuck it. And somehow never get pregnant, which really is the most appealing aspect of sex between Rand's creators; these people make everything -- railroads, metal, energy -- except babies.
  • Alex B,

    For the men in polygamous relationships, it may very well be (night after restless night of hot baked monkey lovin). Just because they say it's for procreation doesn't mean they can't secretly enjoy it, and when you have several wives.... As for underage plural wives, that's a whole 'nother matter!
  • Alex B.
    Yeah, but they do the nasty for procreation, not recreation.

    You make Mormonism sound like night after restless night of hot baked monkey lovin.
  • There's a difference between frequent hitting in the here and now, and simply believing that you will one day get some when you're Master of the Sex Universe.

    Also: I can't make out the shagging on the Egyptian seal. Can it be enlarged or highlited in some way?
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