Bitter Much?

This is slander!

Want to know Victoria's Secret? I'll tell you.

It might be especially interesting to men shopping for Valentine's Day gifts, like those widely promoted push-up bras. You know them from the ads showing skinny models with spherical breasts that appear to float in skimpy lace cups. With their shoulder straps thin as ribbon and narrow back bands, the cleavage-baring bras resemble two clam-shell halves looped together with string (similar to what the heroine wears in “The Little Mermaid”).

So what's the secret? It's all a sham. The bra is useless for supporting anything of amplitude for more than a few minutes. The breasts are fake — buoyed from within by implants — because women without enough fat for hips or behinds also don't have much in breasts.

Perhaps the embittered author, Jessica Seigel, should consider an alternative explanation: These women are incredibly wealthy professional underwear models because they are genetic anomalies! I for one do not doubt the provenance of Tyra's or Giselle's disproportionate amplitude, although Stephanie Seymour lives under a shadow of suspicion.